Step aside, Taylor Swift; there’s a new sensation in town, and his name is Oliver Anthony. Anthony’s latest concert, unannounced until the day before, not only exceeded but more than doubled any of the attendance records set by Taylor Swift’s supposedly overrated “Eras Tour.”
“It was amazing,” exclaimed concert promoter Joe Barron. “We went from Ted Nugent and the Chili Cookoff on Saturday to nearly a million people in and around the fairground on Sunday. Ted was honored to be part of it, albeit a little embarrassed.”
Expressing gratitude to Ted Nugent, Anthony addressed the crowd, saying, “Had he not recommended I come, none of you would have gotten to taste his award-winning canned whitetail chili.” Anthony proceeded to say a prayer, read from Ezekiel 7, and performed both of his songs.
The magnitude of the crowd, however, presented an unforeseen challenge as attendees hadn’t considered their exit strategy. Local authorities fear some may be stranded near the center of the event for weeks or even months. “With winter coming,” cautioned ALLOD Journalisticator Tara Newhole, “they may have to airdrop supplies to these morons.”
Newhole humorously remarked that she hasn’t witnessed so many overalls since Sacha Baron Cohen orchestrated a group of rural individuals to sing about the “Wuhan Flu.”
Remaining in the midst of the situation, Anthony has taken control, declared martial law, and suspended food stamps for those who could fend for themselves, given they weren’t running out of supplies and transitioning into a Mad Max-style dystopia soon.
Our thoughts go out, hoping that at least a few can safely share this tale with our descendants. As always, God Bless America.
