Tom Brady has chosen to remain out of the limelight since his retirement, contemplating his future and relishing life without the demanding schedule of an NFL quarterback. However, one substantial offer, close to $500 million from the socially conscious brand Nike, is now off the table.
“I don’t do the woke thing,” Brady stated. “I like to keep to myself and count the money I already have.”
According to our financial department, his approach appears to be prudent. “If he were to go woke,” explained Senior Financialist Joe Barron, “he would likely go broke, as so many before him have.”
While this perspective aligns with Brady’s stance, some argue it might not be entirely accurate. “That’s actually not true,” countered ALLOD Fiscalator Tara Newhole. “None of those are even remotely broke. Anheuser Busch increased profits in 2023 by a billion dollars. The NFL continues to pack stadiums and attract advertisers. Garth Brooks doesn’t care what any of the meemaws think and has $400 million. I think the message here is ‘go woke, get a bunch of headlines written about you so people can have their confirmation bias.’ It’s a bit silly at this point.”
Tara always provides insightful commentary, particularly around the fifth paragraph, for some reason.
Thank you, Tom Brady, for lending your name to this attention-grabbing headline. We’ll always appreciate it. God Bless America.