Disregard any information you’ve heard about Angelina Jolie, Nicolas Cage, and Joe Barron. The real scoop involves a collaboration between the great Mel Gibson, the incomparable Jon Voight, and the mega-talented Mark Wahlberg.
These three stars are coming together, uniting three factions of Hollywood weirdos into one giant anti-woke mob of goodness. Voight brings the hardcore Magaderpians, while Gibson adds the truly lost Q-nuts. Wahlberg, who loves to be seen with that ash cross on his head, represents the more centrist conservatives who don’t want to buy into all the nonsense and still like stuff like Ted.
The production company’s goal is to take woke remakes and remake them un-woke. “We’re probably gonna start with The Little Mermaid,” said Gibson. “We have a really cute 17-year-old redhead lined up to be taken advantage of by a mature adult while sea creatures sing a song about forcing himself on her. It will be magical.”
The movie may not do well at the box office, but Voight says that’s not really the point. “It doesn’t matter how well this stuff does or how much it costs as long as it ownd the libs.”
Wahlberg chose not to comment so he could stay friends with the bulk of the people he knows, but you could tell he was chomping at the bit to go full cultist.
