Nobody Thought I Could Win” – Riley Gaines Beats Lia Thomas in Olympic Qualifier

Nobody Thought I Could Win” – Riley Gaines Beats Lia Thomas in Olympic Qualifier

The cosmic order seems to be finding its balance at the pre-Olympic tryouts in Negasquam, Minnesota, where Riley Gaines qualified for two events, while Lia Thomas faced disappointment in her endeavors.

“Riley swam like a true champion,” commended former Olympic Medalist Joe Barron. “It was a pleasure to be her timekeeper. Thomas, on the other hand, looked as though she hadn’t trained in months.”

Sources close to the Olympics, with varying degrees of reliability, suggest that Thomas may have relied too heavily on her wingspan and extra testosterone, hoping they would carry her through the trials before embarking on a Rocky Balboa-esque training journey in a small Russian town near Springfield, Siberia.

“That’s not how it works,” clarified Barron, still holding the world record for the 10K meter broadstroke. “You have to train as if every race is your last. Or something to that extent.”

ALLOD Sportsball Analysticator Tara Newhole opted to report on the event from her couch, citing the absence of Del Tacos in Minnesota. She expressed frustration with her appetite dictating travel plans and suggested covering something in Tarpon Springs next week with the promise of grabbing some pastitsio.

Newhole found the premise of the story nearly as absurd as a tale about a man in Maine pretending to be from Tallahassee while yearning for Del Taco, which apparently has a less-than-stellar reputation. “It’s really getting old,” she muttered, “stupid fu….”

Navigating the peculiar interests of low-IQ cultists is no small feat, which might explain the reduced frequency of articles. God bless America.