Move over, Taylor Swift; there’s a new sensation in town, and his name is Oliver Anthony. Anthony’s latest concert, kept under wraps until the day before, has not only shattered records but more than doubled the attendance figures of Taylor Swift’s supposedly overrated “Eras Tour.”
“It was amazing,” exclaimed concert promoter Joe Barron. “We went from Ted Nugent and the Chili Cookoff on Saturday to nearly a million people in and around the fairground on Sunday. Ted was honored to be part of it, albeit a little embarrassed.”
Expressing his gratitude to Ted Nugent, Anthony addressed the crowd, saying, “Had he not recommended I come, none of you would have gotten to taste his award-winning canned whitetail chili.” Anthony then proceeded to say a prayer, read from Ezekiel 7, and perform both of his songs.
However, the sheer magnitude of the crowd left many pondering the logistics of exiting the venue, and local authorities fear that some attendees may find themselves trapped near the center of the event for weeks or even months. “With winter coming,” cautioned ALLOD Journalisticator Tara Newhole, “they may have to airdrop supplies to these morons.”
Newhole humorously observed that she hasn’t seen that many overalls since Sacha Baron Cohen got rural folks to sing “Wuhan Flu.”
Anthony, currently situated in the midst of the chaos, has taken charge of the situation, declaring martial law and suspending all food stamps for those who could fend for themselves if they weren’t hurtling towards a Mad Max-style dystopia.
Our thoughts are with those hoping to escape this peculiar predicament, and may a few manage to make it out safely to recount the tale to our descendants. As always, God Bless America.